Reasons Why

A friend recently told me, "Shelby, I really don't understand why you have such a low self esteem." At the time, I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that comment. It made me uncomfortable. I am not afraid to admit that I don't think highly of myself, I have felt this way for a long time. To have someone imply that such a thought is foolish or irrational, was somewhat unsettling.

I have since thought about this a great deal. In doing so, I have come to a conclusion:
A root cause of my lack of self confidence is people with whom I share a relationship, who have (in one way or another) let me down.
Hear me out.
For the majority of my life, I have placed great value and self assurance in the relationships that I build with the people around me. I am a very emotional person and I form strong attachments to the people I encounter throughout life. Unfortunately, many of these relationships have led me to heartache as well.
I often feel that I am left out, abandoned, or let down by people who mean the world to me. Sometimes, it is by choice. Other times, it may be due to circumstances beyond his or her control. Regardless, these periods of separation have left me to feel... well, less than. Because I place so much value on the time shared, interaction with, and strength of the bond between myself and someone, when this goes away I am deeply hurt. Maybe I shouldn't take it so personal. But the fact of the matter is that I am a very personal person.
I try hard to be there for the ones that I love. Nothing in the world makes me more happy than the happiness of someone I care about. I know I am not always a great friend, sister, daughter, or girlfriend. I fall short sometimes. But most of the time, I try so very hard. It is simply my nature to be as caring, outgoing, and loving towards people as possible. I genuinely care for the people I meet. I want to be there for them when I can, I want to know how they are doing or what they are up to, and I want see their face and bring them smiles. That is my heart.
So, I guess I feel incredibly let down when others don't do the same for me. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I expect that from everyone, but I often feel that this is not reciprocated by anyone. And it devastates me greatly. 
But that is only a small part of the bigger problem. You see, the story of my terrible self esteem started with something small. I like to think that it started with one small thing that someone told me a long time ago. Someone told me that was beautiful and that I was loved. Then that someone hurt me in a terrible way. This person abandoned me and broke my heart. From that day on, I was left with only what seemed to be the hollow lies that I had been told. I was lead to believe that what I was told could not possibly be true, because if it were, then that person would still be here for me.
That person is long gone. However, this phenomenon continues to happen.
Words carry great weight, so when you say them you ought to mean them, wholeheartedly. I am not a fault to believe your words when you tell me that I am "special" or "such an awesome person". I have been told time and again things like: "You deserve the best," "You are a beautiful girl; inside and out," "The world needs more people like you," "People are foolish not to see how incredible you are". I take these things to heart and begin to believe that they are true. But yet, again and again I am hurt by the very same people who said those words. (Directly or indirectly.)
How am I to believe what you or anyone else ever says to me/about me? I mean, if I really were all of these great things, surely I wouldn't be so lonely, so hurt. If I were such a good friend; if I were so much fun to be around; if I was so refreshingly real; if I was so attractive and appealing; wouldn't that mean that people would want to be around me? Is this not a very rational conclusion?
Evidence points to the contrary, so it would seem. And this is exactly why I have such an awfully skewed outlook on myself. In short, all that I have been told about myself by others must not be true, otherwise I would not feel the way that I do now. I have felt this way for years. Maybe one day it will change. Maybe one day, people while decide to mean what they say and stick my your side no matter what; and in doing so, proving that their words are true.

Valentine

When you kiss me, it feels so real.
Then the daylight comes, off you run,
and I don’t know how to feel. 
There’s a fire underneath your skin.
But it’s getting old, out here in the cold,
’cause you won’t let me in...

When you hold me, I can hear your heart;
Beating loud and clear, without fear.
But you change the moment that we part...

You and I could fly.
Baby, we could be so high if you just let go.
But you’re too busy keeping two feet on the ground
and keeping one hand on the door...

When you change your mind,
you know where to find me.
When you change your mind, baby
you know where to find me....

Because He Says it Better than I Ever Could

"Sowing Season" The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me Brand New

Maybe our hearts bleed the same.
Perhaps, he lived in my head once upon a time.
Whatever it is,
he gets it.
Like no one else can.

When I'm lost for words,
drowning in my oceans,
I turn to the lines he penned.
He knows.

We've only ever met
through sound waves
in the darkness of the night,
or a long lonely road.
But he knows.

He knows my pain 
and my angst.
Our demons must be kin to one another. 
His heart must bleed like mine.
He must have lived in my head once upon a time. 

Shelbys Do It Better

If you don't already know, I should tell you that I have a slight obsession with Mustangs. And by slight, of course I mean that those little Pony cars drive me absolutely crazy. I love them. Rarely, does a Mustang of any kind roll by without me noticing. Some catch my attention more than others, but there are a few that I get stupid excited about. 
One such Mustang did just that today.
I ride the Metro bus to and from class everyday. It saves gas and money. Plus, I-75 is a total nightmare. (Right now more than ever.) In order to do this, I drive about a mile down the way, park my car in a strip mall parking lot, and catch the bus at the stop across the street. This afternoon, as I am walking to my truck to head home for the day, my Spidey (Mustang) senses were tingling. Out of the corner of my eye, I see what I know is a Mustang. I look out across the parking lot and there lies a gorgeous electric blue Mustang. Then my fall on the grill, where I see the unmistakable shape of a Cobra icon. My heart leaps in my chest and I have to catch my breath. At this point, I must go check this Pony out. 
So I quickly hop in my truck and drive over to get a better look. To my sheer delight, the white stripe along the side of the door reads, "GT500". I'm about to pass out. I get out of my truck, walk around to the back of the Pony, and there it was... Just under the sleek little tail fin, the name "SHELBY." It was like angels descended in that moment and they were singing the Hallelujah chorus. I kid you not; I was on cloud 9! I LOVE THIS CAR!!!!! It has to be one of the most beautiful things in the whole wide world... (Second to the classic and best sports car ever; the 1967 Shelby GT500. I believe that this one is a 2010 model. But don't quote me on that.) I hung out and drooled for a bit. Took some pictures and drooled some more. Then I left that precious Pony in peace. (I would kindly afraid that the owner might show up and I would look like not only a loser, but a huge creep.) 
I just wanted to share this wonderful experience with the world. It made my day, for sure. :D 

LOOK AT HOW SEXY IT IS!!! :O

Shelby = supersexyawesomeness
 

Oh, and I have decided that I will post the essay/term paper that I wrote for my english class last summer. It may or may not be about Mustangs. ;) You'll just have to wait and see!

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